Hercules in New York (1970)

Do you see that picture up there? Do you see how awesome this movie looks? It seems to be that Arnold really is Hercules and that is actual light emitting from his massive medical text book sized hands. His pecs glistening in some kind of holy light, and his hair perfectly parted, as if carved out of granite itself.

Well, it is all a lie, this movie is a Herculean piece of shit, and I am going to tell you why. It actually pains me to have to talk about this movie. There are some movies that are described as "so bad it's funny" and I can understand that statement being made in some cases, but to even try and pin that on this movie would be doing it too much justice. This movie happens to fall in the dreaded "so bad it's painful" catagory, bad doesn't begin to tell the tale that this monstrosity weaves.

The first thing I noticed when watching this movie, the excitement pinning my eyelids so far into my head I couldn't blink (this has been one of those movies I have wanted to see for about a decade now and just never got a chance to, and it being Arnold's first actual film is reason enough to want to see it), but one the opening credits started I didn't see Arnold's name. Where is it? Did they not put him in? What the hell is going on? Wait a Goddamn minute..You mean to tell me Arnold "Strong" is Arnold Schwarzenegger, The Arnold Schwarzenegger lambasted his own name for some kind of ironic play on both comedian cast member Arnold Stang's name and the size of his human bus body? Could they not afford his entire name or something? Well, this was only a minor set back, something that would look like a mere mess up, because once he opened his mouth I heard the most foulest sound I have ever heard in my time on this planet:

........This would have been the first video ever posted on my blog, and it would have been something amazing. The sad thing is that every video I happen to find on YouTube used Arnold's actual voice and not the dubbed version of the film I watched (which is the original mind you), and what makes this sad is that I am probably the only person who has had to sit through this shitty version of the film since the early 70's. In order to sum up what the overdub sounded like I want you to picture a robotic Arnold (in this case, him portraying the Terminator would suffice), alright now give him an impeccable American accent (lets say from somewhere that doesn't really have an accent, like California), okay now I need you to picture him speaking as if he had a stick shoved far into his ass. That is pretty much the only way I can sum up how this sounded without just saying "it sounded like shit". I wish I could convey to you how wide my eyes were when Arnold first opened his mouth ( I was hoping to hear some thick Austrian and then have him rip Zues's head off) and I heard some guy who is pretty much the exact polar opposite of what Arnold actually sounds like (some Californian robot with a stick up it's ass). I was reluctant to turn it off right then and there, but I gave it the benifit of the doubt, the biggest doubt ever known to man.

The acting, well, to put it as frank as possible, I have seen better acting in gas pedal porn fetish films. It was just cardboard characters and Arnie's pulsating pecs (seriously, everytime he takes his shirt off he poses like it is Mr. Universe all over again).

I can't completely shoot this film down though. Despite it being the something I wouldn't put pass the C.I.A. to use in it's colorful practices or something Charles Manson would consider "full of substantial mentionings of artistic quality", it did offer one of the worst scenes ever acted out in front of a camera. How to come out and say this....

Arnold beats the Hundred Acre Woods out of some brown bear (I mean he beats the living shit out of this bear, bare handedly) and then is commended for fighting (probably killing) this bear in the paper the next day.

This movie is shit, and there is no way around it. This movie is a pain to sit through (something I submit myself to frequently) and you will probably need a cold shower afterwards, and maybe some sleep.

For the love of everything good on this planet ( Greek Gods to the woodland creatures rightfully included) don't watch this movie.

Don't watch it. Do not watch this movie ever, ever, not even for laughs. Take heed of what I say to you.

For the really curious (or masochists alike) though;

If you are going to watch any part of this, watch him beat the bear up. It is seriously the only redeeming part of the movie (forget the chariot scene or the javilin scene or the movie theatre scene or the taxi scene or the dock fight scene (actually....watch this fight too))

If the Greeks only knew that this shit was going to happen.....

The Thief of Bagdad (1924)

Only a few films have been made around the whole "flying carpet and magic rope" genre, and to be quite honest i think that is a good thing, as not to dilude an amazing world that is brilliantly portrayed in one of the finest pieces of Fantasy film i have seen in a while.

Douglas Fairbanks, the "The King of Hollywood" at one time, is AMAZING in this film as the Thief (although not the only thief). He plays the arrogant almost..."douchebaggish"....theif who through plowing his daily toll out of more civilized folk finds himself on a much grander scale adventure than stealing money from snobby townsfolk. This involves daring swordfights and deadly monsters, but all set to the silent hue of filmmaking, which i think is some of the finest film in the world.

Douglas Fairbanks. His silent film skills are mesmerizing, and the way he plays off his surroundings as nonchalantly as he does is incredible and he has a feeling of deep involvement in the characters that he plays. He knows he is telling a story and he wants to please adult and child alike, and through his acting he captivates the hearts of many, and very successfully mind you.

Besides great acting this movie also had really good (for the time) special effects. The magic rope actually had me taking a double-take a few times, it was that realistic. The quick cuts are done almost subtlely enough to make you think nothing was changed in the shot. No children were harmed in this movie (to my knowledge) so don't go thinking that now.

As with most silent films, the rest of the cast has to play off the figurehead of the film, and the cast of The Thief of Bagdad adds to the wonder of the entire scope of the film perfectly, both inhancing its wonder and dream like view and making this film more memorable.

These visual effects, along with Fairbanks and an amazing (although a bit cliched nowadays) story and this is what child's dreams are made of. This is the stuff of wonders and amazement. Fantasy is defined with this movie, not simply taken and contourted somehow, this is the definition of what fantasy is.

Much like Aladdin is to our decade, this was to the children of the 20's, and it hasn't lost any of its strength eighty years down the road. The lusterous glory of Arabian times still sows wonders in the heads of millions, and it isn't showing any signs of slowing down.

The Holy Mountain (1973)

Alejandro Jodorowsky, father of the midnight cinema movement of the 70's and in my opinion one of the greatest directors ever to grace the world with their vision. He takes a complete 180 degree turn from the fundamentals of surrealism (where nothing really means anything, its just crass action) and crafts a story where everything is a symbol for somthing (seriously, a hippo representing Jesus and feces being turned into gold, as i've said before I cannot make this stuff up) and it makes the otherwise standard story (an adventure story about a group of people that would make Tolkien roll around in his grave) and pumps it full of Astrology, Tarot symbols, Mysticism, Metaphysical mentionings, drugs (not so much portrayed in the movie rather than having people actually on drugs while filming was taking place), Zen, Sufi, Yoga, I Ching and most importantly the strive for Enlightenment.

Jodorowsky, a man who to some is a genius and to others completeley insane and I think he settles comfortably riding the fine line between the two. He meshes all of these different religious and mystical ideals all at once that one would think this much symbolism in a movie would clutter and make it not worthwhile, but the thing that he does best is that he knows when too much is too much and the fact of the matter is there is never enough symbolism in any shot. Every scene in this movie is filled to the brim with actual meaning other than the action being portrayed on screen. This might turn some people off to his work because thinking deeply isn't something they like doing when watching a movie (they want all the visuals with no underlying meaning), but this is also where this movie hits pay dirt. The fact that at face vaule this is just some kinda weird movie that should only be shown in a dark and dank theatre and viewed through only the thickest clouds of marijuana smoke, but because of this setback it has people coming back and back into its warm embrace because people want to know what it all means (thus finding enlightenment in themselves, to an extent) and they will watch it twenty times just to soak it all in (the commentary also works well, as Jodorowsky will explain just about everything you would need to know about this movie and then some).

The story, as I said before, is a simple adventure from one place to another and it doesn't start off this way and it sure as hell doesn't end this way either. I wont ruin it, but the ending will have you either scratching your head or jumping out the window. Jodorowsky takes the art of character development to all time highs as he has everyone representing a different planet in our Solar System (again symbolism all over the place, and oddly, a woman with no belly button) and each having a different industry they represent (coffin-esque hotel arrangements to child armies, and it even takes you to a wall of severed male organs sitting quaintly inside glass jars).

This takes the first half of the movie to get through (the longest character development section I have ever seen), but what happens when you bring them all together along with a thief, a mystic of sorts (Jodorowsky himself) and his tattoo laden female sidekick?

Well the actual story for one, but a look at the power that Jodorowsky has as a director. The man takes you through a drug filled training sequence that is actually the real deal (talk about method acting) and he is so pretentious that he flips the entire script at the end (no one saw it coming) and claims that you dont have to open your mouth to speak or act for that matter (like I said, the fine line between insanity and genius).

The crew of actors' actual lives are just about as crazy as the characters they portray and for being on drugs most of the time they are wonderful to watch (actually I think that is why they were so good), but this is hardly what the viewer is paying attention too, so I won't get into this too much, and quite frankly there isn't that much "acting" going on, its a pretty real film and although it may be a labeled as a movie, these people are experiencing this in actuality and thus making their characters far more real (sometimes to a point where you can't believe it is real).

All of Jodorowsky's films will be hard to actually review because of their depth and the cliche facet of "you gotta see it for yourself to believe it". I could spent numerous hours tearing apart every morsel of this movie and break down the symbolism into mere numeric equations, but that would ruin the journey for you. I will disclaim this though, The Holy Mountain is not a movie you watch once and forget about it, no, this movie will stay with you and leave your mouth gapping and you fingers constantly pinching your arms to see if it all was just a weird dream.

This film will require the most free mind to watch and enjoy, don't go into this movie expecting sheer insanity, but rather go with the flow and take the joy as it comes to you and I promise you wont be dissapointed.

The Fall (2006)

If anyone should ever use the word "perfection" to describe a film it should be used to explain the visual barrage of captivating images in Tarsem Singh's (or in this case just Tarsem) 2006 fantasy epic The Fall. The dedication of showing stark images whenever possible starts with the black and white opening credits (properly supported by Krishna Levy's lush score) and begins to unwind the tale of an injured stuntman (Lee Pace) losing his acting career (moreso his girlfriend) and ends up in a Los Angeles hospital and finds the most peculiar friendship in five year old Alexandria (brilliantly played by Catinca Untaru) and sees an oportunity to leave all of the suffering behind through her, but not in the way you would imagine.

Before anymore on this film, I will fill you in on the director, thus ending the inevitable head scratching and confused looks as you Google his name. Tarsem broke into the scene directing music videos for such acts as En Vouge, Deep Forest and R.E.M. His first feature film was 2001's The Cell and he is known for his lack of using CGI and rather using the natural beauty the world has in spades.

From the opening sequence to the final scene this movie is the epitome of what a film is suppose to be. When you watch a movie you want to escape from the daily grind for a few hours and visit somewhere you could only imagine. With the help of a five year old's imagination and the desperation of the story teller (also Lee Pace) you are taken across the world to places that couldnt be real or seeing things involving actual people, but you have to remember there is no CGI in this film whatsoever, so everything you are seeing is happening for real. From the vast orange deserts with Alexander the Great to the Blue city following the motley crew of revenge seekers (one is also played by Lee Pace) and all the dreamy landscapes in between. The way Tarsem sets his world apart from any other you have seen is that he lets you know that you are seeing the imagination of little Alexandria, such as Charles Darwin's almost gibberish looking sign-language skills to the lack of knowing the difference in the two types of Indians.

Now, I will spend a little time glorifying Catinca Untaru on her monumental breakthrough performance. Having no knowledge of the English language prior to this and needing to be taught the phonetic pronunciation of her lines she delivers the greatest child performance I can clearly remember. Her stuttering and lack of knowing the thin line between right and wrong sometimes (as most five year olds) adds to her overall cuteness and one can't help to commend her ability to act despite having her arm in an uncomfortable position the entire film, and she is able to win the crowd over. She also has the uncanny ablity to bring tears pouring down one's face in the films more gripping moments (I havent cried like that since Dakota Fanning in "Man On Fire"). All in all she brings the child in all of us out and with a smile, and it is a good feeling.

The rest of the cast,utilizing the use of double casting (also used in The Wizard of Oz) and although many are unknown on this side of the world, they fall into the "I couldn't think of anyone better to play that part" catagory.

Very rarely do I see a movie so wonderful in every aspect, from the acting to the score that I want to share with the world, and this happens to be one of them.

You will not want this story to end.