Do you see that picture up there? Do you see how awesome this movie looks? It seems to be that Arnold really is Hercules and that is actual light emitting from his massive medical text book sized hands. His pecs glistening in some kind of holy light, and his hair perfectly parted, as if carved out of granite itself.
Well, it is all a lie, this movie is a Herculean piece of shit, and I am going to tell you why. It actually pains me to have to talk about this movie. There are some movies that are described as "so bad it's funny" and I can understand that statement being made in some cases, but to even try and pin that on this movie would be doing it too much justice. This movie happens to fall in the dreaded "so bad it's painful" catagory, bad doesn't begin to tell the tale that this monstrosity weaves.
The first thing I noticed when watching this movie, the excitement pinning my eyelids so far into my head I couldn't blink (this has been one of those movies I have wanted to see for about a decade now and just never got a chance to, and it being Arnold's first actual film is reason enough to want to see it), but one the opening credits started I didn't see Arnold's name. Where is it? Did they not put him in? What the hell is going on? Wait a Goddamn minute..You mean to tell me Arnold "Strong" is Arnold Schwarzenegger, The Arnold Schwarzenegger lambasted his own name for some kind of ironic play on both comedian cast member Arnold Stang's name and the size of his human bus body? Could they not afford his entire name or something? Well, this was only a minor set back, something that would look like a mere mess up, because once he opened his mouth I heard the most foulest sound I have ever heard in my time on this planet:
........This would have been the first video ever posted on my blog, and it would have been something amazing. The sad thing is that every video I happen to find on YouTube used Arnold's actual voice and not the dubbed version of the film I watched (which is the original mind you), and what makes this sad is that I am probably the only person who has had to sit through this shitty version of the film since the early 70's. In order to sum up what the overdub sounded like I want you to picture a robotic Arnold (in this case, him portraying the Terminator would suffice), alright now give him an impeccable American accent (lets say from somewhere that doesn't really have an accent, like California), okay now I need you to picture him speaking as if he had a stick shoved far into his ass. That is pretty much the only way I can sum up how this sounded without just saying "it sounded like shit". I wish I could convey to you how wide my eyes were when Arnold first opened his mouth ( I was hoping to hear some thick Austrian and then have him rip Zues's head off) and I heard some guy who is pretty much the exact polar opposite of what Arnold actually sounds like (some Californian robot with a stick up it's ass). I was reluctant to turn it off right then and there, but I gave it the benifit of the doubt, the biggest doubt ever known to man.
The acting, well, to put it as frank as possible, I have seen better acting in gas pedal porn fetish films. It was just cardboard characters and Arnie's pulsating pecs (seriously, everytime he takes his shirt off he poses like it is Mr. Universe all over again).
I can't completely shoot this film down though. Despite it being the something I wouldn't put pass the C.I.A. to use in it's colorful practices or something Charles Manson would consider "full of substantial mentionings of artistic quality", it did offer one of the worst scenes ever acted out in front of a camera. How to come out and say this....
Arnold beats the Hundred Acre Woods out of some brown bear (I mean he beats the living shit out of this bear, bare handedly) and then is commended for fighting (probably killing) this bear in the paper the next day.
This movie is shit, and there is no way around it. This movie is a pain to sit through (something I submit myself to frequently) and you will probably need a cold shower afterwards, and maybe some sleep.
For the love of everything good on this planet ( Greek Gods to the woodland creatures rightfully included) don't watch this movie.
Don't watch it. Do not watch this movie ever, ever, not even for laughs. Take heed of what I say to you.
For the really curious (or masochists alike) though;
If you are going to watch any part of this, watch him beat the bear up. It is seriously the only redeeming part of the movie (forget the chariot scene or the javilin scene or the movie theatre scene or the taxi scene or the dock fight scene (actually....watch this fight too))
If the Greeks only knew that this shit was going to happen.....
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