Hercules in New York (1970)

Do you see that picture up there? Do you see how awesome this movie looks? It seems to be that Arnold really is Hercules and that is actual light emitting from his massive medical text book sized hands. His pecs glistening in some kind of holy light, and his hair perfectly parted, as if carved out of granite itself.

Well, it is all a lie, this movie is a Herculean piece of shit, and I am going to tell you why. It actually pains me to have to talk about this movie. There are some movies that are described as "so bad it's funny" and I can understand that statement being made in some cases, but to even try and pin that on this movie would be doing it too much justice. This movie happens to fall in the dreaded "so bad it's painful" catagory, bad doesn't begin to tell the tale that this monstrosity weaves.

The first thing I noticed when watching this movie, the excitement pinning my eyelids so far into my head I couldn't blink (this has been one of those movies I have wanted to see for about a decade now and just never got a chance to, and it being Arnold's first actual film is reason enough to want to see it), but one the opening credits started I didn't see Arnold's name. Where is it? Did they not put him in? What the hell is going on? Wait a Goddamn minute..You mean to tell me Arnold "Strong" is Arnold Schwarzenegger, The Arnold Schwarzenegger lambasted his own name for some kind of ironic play on both comedian cast member Arnold Stang's name and the size of his human bus body? Could they not afford his entire name or something? Well, this was only a minor set back, something that would look like a mere mess up, because once he opened his mouth I heard the most foulest sound I have ever heard in my time on this planet:

........This would have been the first video ever posted on my blog, and it would have been something amazing. The sad thing is that every video I happen to find on YouTube used Arnold's actual voice and not the dubbed version of the film I watched (which is the original mind you), and what makes this sad is that I am probably the only person who has had to sit through this shitty version of the film since the early 70's. In order to sum up what the overdub sounded like I want you to picture a robotic Arnold (in this case, him portraying the Terminator would suffice), alright now give him an impeccable American accent (lets say from somewhere that doesn't really have an accent, like California), okay now I need you to picture him speaking as if he had a stick shoved far into his ass. That is pretty much the only way I can sum up how this sounded without just saying "it sounded like shit". I wish I could convey to you how wide my eyes were when Arnold first opened his mouth ( I was hoping to hear some thick Austrian and then have him rip Zues's head off) and I heard some guy who is pretty much the exact polar opposite of what Arnold actually sounds like (some Californian robot with a stick up it's ass). I was reluctant to turn it off right then and there, but I gave it the benifit of the doubt, the biggest doubt ever known to man.

The acting, well, to put it as frank as possible, I have seen better acting in gas pedal porn fetish films. It was just cardboard characters and Arnie's pulsating pecs (seriously, everytime he takes his shirt off he poses like it is Mr. Universe all over again).

I can't completely shoot this film down though. Despite it being the something I wouldn't put pass the C.I.A. to use in it's colorful practices or something Charles Manson would consider "full of substantial mentionings of artistic quality", it did offer one of the worst scenes ever acted out in front of a camera. How to come out and say this....

Arnold beats the Hundred Acre Woods out of some brown bear (I mean he beats the living shit out of this bear, bare handedly) and then is commended for fighting (probably killing) this bear in the paper the next day.

This movie is shit, and there is no way around it. This movie is a pain to sit through (something I submit myself to frequently) and you will probably need a cold shower afterwards, and maybe some sleep.

For the love of everything good on this planet ( Greek Gods to the woodland creatures rightfully included) don't watch this movie.

Don't watch it. Do not watch this movie ever, ever, not even for laughs. Take heed of what I say to you.

For the really curious (or masochists alike) though;

If you are going to watch any part of this, watch him beat the bear up. It is seriously the only redeeming part of the movie (forget the chariot scene or the javilin scene or the movie theatre scene or the taxi scene or the dock fight scene (actually....watch this fight too))

If the Greeks only knew that this shit was going to happen.....

Shichinin No Samurai (Seven Samurai) (1954)

Now, despite what I may proclaim haphazardly about El Topo being as close to spiritual enlightenment as anything I have ever seen in this world or the next, know that it is only because I do believe that Alejandro is a God amongst mortal men.

In reality, Akira Kurosawa's MONUMENTAL film "The Seven Samurai" is, and forever will be, the greatest film produced by any mortal man (see? see?). Yes, i do believe that Kurosawa has the ever-so-keen "eye of the beholder" perceptions of the world around him, and he pulls out all the stops in the 3 hour plus statue of celluloid perfection to bring you a movie that will forever burn brightly, no matter how dense the shit storm is, and my friends, it is pretty fucking thick.

When i describe a film as "whole", what I mean is that every shot, from one side of the screen to the other, something is happening, as a true piece of art is suppose to present to the audience.

In every shot of this film, from one corner to the opposite, and even from one depth to the next, action is taking place, people are talking or doing something, or a horizon shot of a band of horse-clad bandits rides across the hills is taking place, and the fact of the matter is--you can see the entire group of bandits in the shot.

Perception is Kurosawa's middle name. He is the almighty mighty knowing Holy Meca of a man in the realm of perception. He knows the true art of every depth of vision and he makes them a true piece of the film, not something that lays empty in every shot. 3-D would be a good way to describe how "The Seven Samurai" looks. Don't view every shot as a flat image, but as a cube, there is action happening from 12 inches in front of the camera to 20 feet from it. There is so much going on in every shot that im curious to how he does it without making it a cluddered mess to look at, and it is obvious he is just that good at what he does.

On to my favorite part of this film, its lead actor (and my favorite), Toshiro Mifune. He is the most entertaining actor I have ever seen (the only thing to even come close to him would be Daniel Day-Lewis or...well Daniel Day-Lewis pretty much is it) and much live the way Kurosawa directs, Mifune acts. He is a very deeply intrisic man who one moment can be jumping off the ground excited to hunched down and snarling. He is intimidating, cruel, disillusioned, but also endearing, proud and commanding. A force that has certainly resonated a certain perfection in it's own right.

Everything about this movie has been crafted from the finest the world has to offer, from the actors to the action, the Director of Photography (a genius in his own right, more on him later im sure) to the horse wrangler and from the mud and the artificial rain, this movie has everything anyone will ever need in reality, but for everything else there is always El Topo.

The Thief of Bagdad (1924)

Only a few films have been made around the whole "flying carpet and magic rope" genre, and to be quite honest i think that is a good thing, as not to dilude an amazing world that is brilliantly portrayed in one of the finest pieces of Fantasy film i have seen in a while.

Douglas Fairbanks, the "The King of Hollywood" at one time, is AMAZING in this film as the Thief (although not the only thief). He plays the arrogant almost..."douchebaggish"....theif who through plowing his daily toll out of more civilized folk finds himself on a much grander scale adventure than stealing money from snobby townsfolk. This involves daring swordfights and deadly monsters, but all set to the silent hue of filmmaking, which i think is some of the finest film in the world.

Douglas Fairbanks. His silent film skills are mesmerizing, and the way he plays off his surroundings as nonchalantly as he does is incredible and he has a feeling of deep involvement in the characters that he plays. He knows he is telling a story and he wants to please adult and child alike, and through his acting he captivates the hearts of many, and very successfully mind you.

Besides great acting this movie also had really good (for the time) special effects. The magic rope actually had me taking a double-take a few times, it was that realistic. The quick cuts are done almost subtlely enough to make you think nothing was changed in the shot. No children were harmed in this movie (to my knowledge) so don't go thinking that now.

As with most silent films, the rest of the cast has to play off the figurehead of the film, and the cast of The Thief of Bagdad adds to the wonder of the entire scope of the film perfectly, both inhancing its wonder and dream like view and making this film more memorable.

These visual effects, along with Fairbanks and an amazing (although a bit cliched nowadays) story and this is what child's dreams are made of. This is the stuff of wonders and amazement. Fantasy is defined with this movie, not simply taken and contourted somehow, this is the definition of what fantasy is.

Much like Aladdin is to our decade, this was to the children of the 20's, and it hasn't lost any of its strength eighty years down the road. The lusterous glory of Arabian times still sows wonders in the heads of millions, and it isn't showing any signs of slowing down.