The Alphabet (1968)

Please forgive me for not putting a still from this little four minutes of pure insanity (I wouldn't want to look at it ever time I signed on, it would scare the shit out of me). Allow me to explain my reasoning behind why this freaks film me out more than anything I have ever seen (and only being four minutes long and having this effect is rather impressive).

David Lynch (the man whos picture I decided to op for, a little less creepy, but not by much) is someone who I've known about for years, but never really paid any attention to (I was in my ignorant foreign film stage and wasn't going to watch anything from America in fear that it would burn my eyes out), and to be honest, as scary as he is, I regret not checking him out earlier.

But, they also say "ignorance is bliss" and that is an equally defendable side of this review. For the record, I don't think I have been this scared (or unsettled/disturbed, I don't really get scared) in a long time. I don't know if it is my fear of little girls or the alphabet (or both), but let me warn you about what you are about to get yourself into if deciding to watch this.

The girl in this film is the creepiest I have ever seen (forget what you think you know about creepy little girls, Lynch was the father of creepy girls) and that is what is unsettling about the whole thing. I'm not going to spend a lot of time talking about it

Because quite frankly, I don't like to. I don't like her. I'm sure she is a sweet girl in real life, but in this she is the illigitimate love child from the drunken orgy the girls from The Exorcist, The Ring, The Grudge, and just about every horror film the Japanese have ever made (and their sad American brethren). There was mud and no one knows who stuck what where, but the aftermath of it all is this chick.

The whole idea of this story stemmed from a nightmare his wife's niece (who I believe is the little girl in the film, but i'm not going to research it any, if it is important to you then by all means you have the power) had, where she was saying the alphabet in some kind of sick and demented (described as tormented) way.

If this does not tell you what the hell this is going to be about, then allow me to elaborate (but only for a minute), and please note that this is purely from memory (as I will never watch this ever again, ever), so if what I say doesn't sell it, then by all means go watch it on YouTube.

There is the alphabet being said by some creepy girl, along with some weird surreal animation of letters and what not flowing out of the body (through the neck) of some guy then it ends with the creepiest fucking child to ever walk the planet (it actually makes my eyes water thinking about it) reciting the alphabet while parading around a dark room on a white sheet in a bunch of stop-motion shots (I could have done without her getting up close to the camera) and then her tossing and turning in bed.

Just fucking weird, unsettling, disturbing, whatever the hell you want to call it. The dark end of the surreal spectrum pretty much sums up most (if not all) of Lynch's work.

This was the film that brought Lynch some minimal recognition and was the start (although one film came before this one, something about six guys getting sick six times...what the fuck?) to his very sucessful (i.e. creepy as hell) film career.

As I stated before, it is on YouTube, and only being four minutes long, so if you want to ruin your night (and the amount of hours of sleep you get) then by all means check it out (along with everything else he has made, truly a master at the craft).

This is just the start of the Lynch reviews mind you...

Vormittagsspuk (Ghosts Before Breakfast) (1928)

This little short stop motion film (where an object is moved small amounts between frames, thus appearing to be moving on its own) is a creepy little movie. The thing is, the ghost are not the creepy part, its the group of four guys who seem to come in contact with spirits before their bowl of oatmeal, or in this case a cup of coffee.

To pretty much answer the question "how does a lunatic think?", well this movie is as close to answering that question. Involving flying hats that land perfectly on the tops of bushes (and eachother) and really creepy guys looking everywhere with deathly blank stares, seeming to have lost their hats (and sanitys) to some mischievous celestial beings (who are expert revolver stackers). Seriously, they could have been wax figures for all I know, they were that weird looking. Then there is a scene where a figure of a man is standing behind a target and another man is trying to shoot him, but suddenly the first guy's head starts spinning around. Then cue ghost gun stacking and spinning cutscene. Yea, pretty darn weird.


This actually has some of the more disturbing (not really for these times, but I thought they were a little bit freaky) scenes ive seen in some early work like this. The "beard rubbing scene" is probably the creepiest thing (the one guy who starts twisting his mustache..eh) and then the guy with the horrid (I mean hoorrid) teeth rocking his head back and forth while two guys bash eachother bare handedly.

These German guys were probably the greatest filmmakers of the 20's (even on into the early thirties, before the American noir movement) and Hans Richter's little film really shows how odd some of their material really was.

Maybe it was a good thing the Nazi's destroyed the sound version of the film, I cant imagine who could bare that experience.


Also, i dont quite understand why the guy with the hat on his head was looking for a hat as well, but maybe he was just helping the other weirdos out.




Furthermore, I just found a copy with music (not sure if it is the real deal, will look into it) and lets just say, its exactly what you would expect to be playing at some serial rapists barber shop.

Symphonie diagonale (1924)

Ah, the land of Public Domain. a place where you can find true gems and hidden treasures, or really bad movies that are no surprise to have had their copyright run out. This little movie is, for lack of a better way to put it, not for everyone. There is no plot, sound,color, or anything but stark images on a black screen for an extended period of time. This images can be interpreted anyway you want (i thought they represented the beating of a heart, but that is just me) and it is done so abstractly that the list is infinite.

You wont find this film on DVD so look for it online (again, Public Domains are a good thing here) and there is no reason whatsoever that you would want to watch this movie other than the fact you can say you have seen it and further alienate yourself from your peers. With this being said, there is no reason not watch this movie, but most will feel that the seven minutes it takes you to watch this will forever be wasted. Just a little piece of Abstract pie that takes you back to when the whole idea of making movies was still a fresh idea in culture and the results were generally endless.

There is no real way to defend this little film, or even condemn it for that matter. It is simply a showing of one of the forefathers of Abstract/Avant-Garde film genre, and to be quite honest, it is one of the better presentations of said subject.It is abstract enough without totally confusing the viewer, but deep enough to envoke artistic thought on what is actually being protrayed.

Most "Avant-Garde" claiming movies out there are pieces of pretentious rubble that aren't worth your time (I might actually get to some of them soon enough), but this has just the right balance of imagery and lack of anything else that earns itself a proper place in the niche of Abstract film.