The Wrestler (2008)

3/18/09- Before I say what I had to say below (which I happened to have written a month ago) let me just go on the record in saying that this review is about as experimental as they come (in my world of reviews at least). It wasn't easy comparing a movie to a embrace between two people on common ground (a hug if you will) and to be quite honest with you-- I am not too happy with the review, but I am going to post it anyway. I just don't think I got the message across and I tried to be more "different" or "revolutionary" with my review techniques than reviews the film itself (it is in there somewhere I am sure of it) and I don't think I will try to complicate things like this ever again, but I can say I did have fun doing it and I feel that it is a pretty valid opinion, so read on.


Before I say anything allow me to say this; I liked this movie, I really did. I laughed and cheered and I suppose I felt a little emotional when I was directed to, but this movie, in no way, was mind blowing. Allow me to digress...

Having just finished watching this movie only a few hours ago, I am still in a state of confusion as to why this was such a big film (besides what the media blew it up to be). Sure it was the "come back" of Mickey Rourke and sure Darren Aronofsky did a really good job showing the harsh realities of drugs in Requiem for a Dream, but this movie can be summed up to the equivalence of a "hug" in the world of cinema. Allow me to further digress...

Take into consideration a situation in which you are going to see someone you haven't seen in a long time, you make it to their nice quaint looking flat on the west side of town, you walk up their "3-step stone patio complete with a hand rail" out front and knock on the door. Alright, the initial shock and anxiety everyone feels is over, you hear footsteps approach the solid oak door and you hear the door knob turn and you come face to face with your dear friends from years ago. They allow you to walk in, handshakes of mandatory nature take place, and then your dear friends fiance (who politely waited for the dust to settle) comes and hugs you. Okay, now that I have that whole situation set up, time to show you how this film is just like that, but a little less endearing.

The beginning of the film starts off good enough, much like a hug. There is that initial embrace that brings the two of you (person, film, whatever) together. You are locked in, committed to ride this ride out, and this isn't like hugging your sweaty uncle or anything, this is someone you haven't seen in a long time and neither of you sweat ungodly amounts. The embrace this movie displays is that of "he is human, not some immortal", he looks and sounds old, he is obviously not in the kind of wrestling he used to be in (or maybe he is....it is Jersey after all) and you get to empathize with him. Much like the hug displays that no one is above anyone, you both are just alike, even if it is for a moment.

Step one in the "The Wrestler is a hug" explanation- the initial embrace and showing that both parties are human and all is well.

Alright, so the hug has been committed to, no one smells bad and there is no uncomfortable feelings between anyone, so here come the fluctuations of tight squeezes and back rubbing (in little circles) and there might be a few moments of some teary eyes. To compare this to the film, the scenes of wrestling (and everything that comes before and after) are the best part of the film.
The embrace is still going on strong and now it is time to show how good friends you really are, this isn't hugging some complete stranger mind you. These scenes of wrestling and supermarkets fall in tandem with the scenes at the strip club (Cheeks or something dirty sounding name like that) the "being human and taking account for all of the problems that come with this fact" are still there, and it doesn't feel over done or out of place, everyone loves and respects someone, even if it is strippers and wrestlers.
There is little small talk while the squeezing takes place, y'know, "How are you doing?" and "How is the family?" so on, these questions (in the film) are about family. I know that this is suppose to show just how human these people are, but it just feels out of place and kind of expected and just not done good enough. The cardboard cut out known as Evan Rachel Wood is what I am talking about here people (this woman was horrible).

A shitty family life is automatic tears in some peoples eyes, but this is too much of an obvious step and it isn't even done well.

Spurts of excitement and the random questioning takes place for a moment, there to show a common bond between the two and just because it is common to ask these questions and nothing should be thought of it, much like in the film.

Step two- A few squeezes and back throughout, accompanied by random questions in the ear, some of which might be either answered perfectly or half-assed. There might be some teary eyes. Continue hugging.


Okay, so the hug is still sorta going on, much like this movie is. The embrace felt at the beginning is starting to sputter out and the back rubbing is gone and more of the questions. This is the downfall of the hug, much like our Wrestler here- Randy "The Ram" Robinson ( Robin Ramzinski to those who know, probably only his parents and landlord)- and the realization of the world around him. Let us say that you aren't as well off as your dear friends and these factors come center stage during this point. I am not saying everyone is a washed up wrestler or even an aging stripper, but everyone knows someone better than them.
These moments fluctuate much like the good feeling of the squeezing and rubbing of the second step of a hug. No one likes saying they are unemployed, their family life isn't necessarily the Brady Bunch and that girl you liked and you thought you had a thing for? Gone in a flash. These things will keep getting brought up at this moment, and The Wrestler likes to lay the "person with problems" down thick. This man has nothing to live for but the ring and it takes a few kicks in the balls (the equivalent to awkward questions here people, my logic isn't that hard) for him to realize this, but you still manage to put up with it and play along.

Step three- More questions and more self-realization that your life sucks, a lot.

Did I mention Evan Rachel Wood sucks in this movie? She really does.

Alright, so now that one of two people are uncomfortable, you manage to fall into the world of "small talk", these questions has spawned into full explanations of "why this?" and "how so?", and they aren't really answered the way anyone wants them to be. You should have known this was going to come, you can't be down and out forever and expect no one to ask about it or bring it up constantly, and it does no one any good, but what you take from this is the strength to rise from all of this and stand tall and prove everyone wrong. The two of you go your seperate ways and you sit by yourself and contemplate your life a little bit.

Step four- Break off from it, talk a bit, feel like shit and go on about your business, forever thinking what exactly the other person really feels about you. Hug has ended.


The road to redemption is a long one, and this movie runs out of steam somewhere along the road and ends in a flop of ambiguous emptiness. I hated the ending (not the last scene, but the ending of the last scene) and I really felt it wasn't what anyone would have expected ( I had a far more elaborate ending in my head, but I didn't make the film....) and I feel that if there is one place to really grab the audience it would be this time ( I know what the director was intending, but he failed to capitalize on it or anything in the film really).

Maybe I don't like seeing Mickey lose, maybe I hate Evan Rachel Wood, maybe I like the fact that it pretty much explains that wrestling is all a show (it isn't fake people, it falls into the category of "a play with punches") but hate the fact that humanity had to rear it's ugly head in such a way that I feel it was too fake and too human. It gives off at times a feeling of being a documentary (something I would have liked a lot more) and it would have been a damn good one, but the fact that it is a drama takes away from it a bit (too much drama done in a obvious and unconvincing way) and the fact that most of the dramatic elements were done in a shallow nature don't help it any.

This movie never makes it to redemption, it takes a jump off the top rope, and we are left to wonder if it makes the pin for the win or lands face first on the mat. I suppose this is the route that movie watchers like to take, but I personally am not too fond of an open ended conclusion. It is either one thing or another and to leave it up to the audience is putting too much faith in their ability to come to a justifiable end to it all.

Hēi Tài Yáng (Men Behind the Sun) (1988)

(Also known as Man Behind the Sun)

I was planning on making this review a question of the moral fabric that separates us from the wild animals in conjunction with the director's overall intentions behind making this film and how I actually see it.

Seeing this as the wrong way to go and not wanting to just bash this movie as propaganda or an exploitation of atrocious acts of man (because that is clearly an option I have) but it claims to be more than this. I myself don't see it.

The only thing going for this film in terms of not being something that...............


Alright, this movie is boring and I don't see what all the fuss is about. For someone who claims to not be lambasting the Japanese, director T.F. Mous (born Mou Tun Fei) does a good job portraying the Japanese as one of three things-- insane (laughing insane), drunk, or a blind follower.

Now, I don't deny the fact that the people behind Unit 731 were fucking crazy, but I don't think they went around laughing like some kind of homicidal nutcase (clearly they were) or dancing while disposing of body parts. These certain aspects are intended to invoke anger in the audience (clearly a tool of the propaganda film genre--something Mous has experience in) and the blood on the flag is practically the nail in the coffin, signifying the blood will forever tarnish the nation of Japan--thus contradicting the statement made in the beginning of the film "Friendships are friendships; history is history".

It would only be so if you wouldn't shove so much hate (albeit rightfully deserved) down the throats of everyone and not doing any justice. For a movie claiming to be an educational tool used to shed light on events that most people have never heard about, but to be quite honest with you I didn't learn a damn thing watching this movie until the credits began to roll and explained the aftermath--The Americans granted the man behind the whole thing (a Lieutenant General Shiro Ishii) full immunity from war crimes and made him hand his work over to them.

To be used in the Korean War....By Ishii himself.



Frankly, I cannot recommend anyone to watch this movie. I cannot truly understand why this movie is considered what it is (the wikipedia page for Unit 731 is more frightening than this movie). I really wish people would open their eyes and realize this movie is nothing more than blood and gore dancing behind facts and the loss of innocent lives.

There was more against the actual people (making them laugh and applaud like madmen while throwing ceramic pots in the air) than what they did to innocent people with them (shown briefly in an easily forgettable scene of gore and missing limbs). This is why this is not educational or informative, but rather exploitation and propaganda (and a pale example of it at that).

Displaying these people, not as stone cold as they were remembered to be but as some kind of laughing imbeciles is making them look almost like cartoon characters and not to be taken any more serious than "wow, that guy is fucking weird and look at him pull that ladies armpit hairs" instead of "wow, that guy is a stone cold killer and look at him with his granite face killing those people. That fucker has no heart". These people were not laughing as they killed people (well, this could be argued) and the only reason they are in this film is to easily invoke anger and hatred--much like propaganda is suppose to. Do you honestly think that the man who called people fucking pieces of wood was lauging as he did it?

If you wanted to make it educational and have people learn then perhaps you should have done it like everyone else--a fucking documentary. I always think hearing it from people that were there is far more daunting than having someone recreate it all.

The director always makes it a point in his interviews to bring up the time he showed the film to a college class in Tokyo where no one believed Japan would do something like this and that it was all made up, but just to have actual people from Unit 731 stand up and tell them that it really did happen. Do you see what happened there? People with actual experience standing and talking about the crimes they committed. This my friends is how you get a point across, you shove actual facts and first hand experiences in their faces and not some rallying cry to the people who have been wronged.

This movie is suppose to shock and disgust and I really do feel that it is using the actual facts as some kind of facade to hide behind. It isn't doing the thousands of people who died any justice, but rather using their deaths as some kind of......well exploitation actually. This film is exploiting the loss of life in order to instill this hate for another country and it will kill actual animals and show an actual autopsy of a little boy to get the message through to the people--whatever the hell that is.

I really went into watching this hoping to get some kind of understanding as to why it happened and what exactly they did, but all I got was a romp through the shit fields and the only thing this film invoked from me is a true hatred for everyone behind this movie.

Fuck this stupid film. If you really want to learn about such a tragic time in history then do not watch this piece of crap (or the four hour long Philosophy of a Knife--something I almost did) and pick up a book, read for Christ's sake, and I honestly mean this. Don't watch this and think you have a firm grasp on what happened all those years ago. These events are something that just can't be recreated and have it match.

This falls into the same rickety boat as the Holocaust in that I believe they can't be done any justice in cinema and even making a movie on it is clearly exploiting the loss of life in order to make money or "prove some point" and it just isn't right, and to have this shitty film in my concious for the rest of my days and to have it being passed off as educational is a slap in the face.


I could have easily said I hated it and I thought it was a shitty exploitation/propaganda piece of refuse and I feel sorry for the people that enjoy this movie because I know why they do, and those little bits of blood and violence should bring shame to everyone who claims this movie displays and merits any kind of educational or thought provoking understanding. This movie is a blatant and diplorable exploitation of those who lost their lives in order to craft some kind of current of pride in the hearts of the nation that was treated like lumber. I cannont commend this movie in any way, I thought it was tasteless and brought about a sense of pure disgust--a feeling I have never felt before--but not for the people behind the act, but rather the people who are using the act in such a way that brings about all the wrong emotions.

Fucking garbage and a waste of my time. Please don't make it a waste of yours and go read about Unit 731 and use that as your basis for trying to understand just what happened.

Tokyo Gore Police (2008)

(My third attempt in trying to review this movie)


Over the course of my life I have seen many many things, I have seen just about everything happen to a human body and I have sat through countless "gore" films, but I can honestly say nothing, and I mean nothing, is as outrageously violent and over-the-top as Yoshiro Nishimura's Tokyo Gore Police.

This movie succeeds where most uber-violent films fail in that this movie isn't trying to be something it is not. Most "underground" or "gore" films these days are trying to play of glorifying violence as some kind of art form, when really all it is is some fetishistic lust for seeing life destroyed in the most obscene (read: trying way too hard at making it real looking) way possible.

They usually take this rout or the even shittier rout the Saw films have decided to take and that is using violence and death as some sort of tool to teach people just how important life is. Don't get me wrong, it is a noble cause, but I just don't see someone having a giant machine strapped to their head or some elaborate Rube Goldberg-esque monstrosity is the right way to explain the need to sustain life.

Where this film separates itself from the rest of the competition (I use this term very lightly) is that it knows exactly what it is trying to be--fucking batshit insane. This movie does not value life or lessons or even a plot that truly matters, but where it lacks in moral messages it makes up for being the most outlandish use of violence I have ever seen. A woman with acidic breast milk, a man with an elephant size penis cannon, another woman who gets her lower torso shot off and grows some kind of alligator mouth to replace the legs she lost, oh, and a pissing human chair...Seriously, I can't make this shit up.

I am not joking when I tell you some man has a huge cannon in place of his member (which was bitten off by the nipple missing alligator leg woman. Oh yea, she has no nipples, forgot to mention that part) and I know it sounds like something that just couldn't be real, but I assure you, there are these things in this film (take that life lesson!) and it doesn't shy away from showing some blood.

This brings me to my next point. There is more blood in this movie than in any other film ever made. There is more of it in the first four minutes than anywhere else in cinema today. Hell, there is more of it in the wrist cutting scene in the beginning that there is in an actual human body. It is that bloody, and the thing about it is that it isn't trying to be realistic with the bloodshed. It has every single injury shooting out gallons and gallons of the stuff and the director makes it a point to cover the floor (and the screen) as many times as he can.

It really does make my head hurt trying to review this one. It is so far out there that I am afraid if I try to analyze it too much (which no one ever should do) that it might turn some off to seeing it. This movie is something that I highly enjoyed watching. It isn't the greatest film ever, but it sure as hell isn't the worst film I have seen (beats the piss out of most American films of the same genre, and I don't even pay attention to what they shovel out anymore) and I think that is what the director had in mind.

For what it is (just a plain ol' exhibition and glorification of violence) it sure does a good job at keeping the blood flowing and me interested. I like being able to laugh at someone getting their head cut off, not expecting to believe it is real (believe me, it pales in comparison to the real thing).

Alright.....I can't do it anymore, this movie is one even I can't even review without doing it some kind of injustice. You either hate it or love it, there is no middle ground in Tokyo Gore Police. I could go on and tell you the leading lady Eihi Shiina is from Takashi Miike's Audition (another film everyone should see by the way) or that this is a remake of a independent film the director made named Anatomia Extinction.

I could even go on to tell you the actual story that weaves itself in and out of the film--Tokyo is in shambles due to a mad scientist know as "Key Man" who puts keys into people turning them into things called "Engineers" and all hell takes a shit when the bad ass police force gets involved in stopping them and there is a lot of blood and shit you would only see in the notebook of the weird ass kid in the back of the class. Blah blah blah.




Seriously, a woman grows an alligator mouth for legs. If this isn't a sign that this film needs to be watched then I don't know what would suffice as a reason.

How about a picture:







Sure as shit beats the pissing human chair or the snail lady......

Watch it.

Hercules in New York (1970)

Do you see that picture up there? Do you see how awesome this movie looks? It seems to be that Arnold really is Hercules and that is actual light emitting from his massive medical text book sized hands. His pecs glistening in some kind of holy light, and his hair perfectly parted, as if carved out of granite itself.

Well, it is all a lie, this movie is a Herculean piece of shit, and I am going to tell you why. It actually pains me to have to talk about this movie. There are some movies that are described as "so bad it's funny" and I can understand that statement being made in some cases, but to even try and pin that on this movie would be doing it too much justice. This movie happens to fall in the dreaded "so bad it's painful" catagory, bad doesn't begin to tell the tale that this monstrosity weaves.

The first thing I noticed when watching this movie, the excitement pinning my eyelids so far into my head I couldn't blink (this has been one of those movies I have wanted to see for about a decade now and just never got a chance to, and it being Arnold's first actual film is reason enough to want to see it), but one the opening credits started I didn't see Arnold's name. Where is it? Did they not put him in? What the hell is going on? Wait a Goddamn minute..You mean to tell me Arnold "Strong" is Arnold Schwarzenegger, The Arnold Schwarzenegger lambasted his own name for some kind of ironic play on both comedian cast member Arnold Stang's name and the size of his human bus body? Could they not afford his entire name or something? Well, this was only a minor set back, something that would look like a mere mess up, because once he opened his mouth I heard the most foulest sound I have ever heard in my time on this planet:

........This would have been the first video ever posted on my blog, and it would have been something amazing. The sad thing is that every video I happen to find on YouTube used Arnold's actual voice and not the dubbed version of the film I watched (which is the original mind you), and what makes this sad is that I am probably the only person who has had to sit through this shitty version of the film since the early 70's. In order to sum up what the overdub sounded like I want you to picture a robotic Arnold (in this case, him portraying the Terminator would suffice), alright now give him an impeccable American accent (lets say from somewhere that doesn't really have an accent, like California), okay now I need you to picture him speaking as if he had a stick shoved far into his ass. That is pretty much the only way I can sum up how this sounded without just saying "it sounded like shit". I wish I could convey to you how wide my eyes were when Arnold first opened his mouth ( I was hoping to hear some thick Austrian and then have him rip Zues's head off) and I heard some guy who is pretty much the exact polar opposite of what Arnold actually sounds like (some Californian robot with a stick up it's ass). I was reluctant to turn it off right then and there, but I gave it the benifit of the doubt, the biggest doubt ever known to man.

The acting, well, to put it as frank as possible, I have seen better acting in gas pedal porn fetish films. It was just cardboard characters and Arnie's pulsating pecs (seriously, everytime he takes his shirt off he poses like it is Mr. Universe all over again).

I can't completely shoot this film down though. Despite it being the something I wouldn't put pass the C.I.A. to use in it's colorful practices or something Charles Manson would consider "full of substantial mentionings of artistic quality", it did offer one of the worst scenes ever acted out in front of a camera. How to come out and say this....

Arnold beats the Hundred Acre Woods out of some brown bear (I mean he beats the living shit out of this bear, bare handedly) and then is commended for fighting (probably killing) this bear in the paper the next day.

This movie is shit, and there is no way around it. This movie is a pain to sit through (something I submit myself to frequently) and you will probably need a cold shower afterwards, and maybe some sleep.

For the love of everything good on this planet ( Greek Gods to the woodland creatures rightfully included) don't watch this movie.

Don't watch it. Do not watch this movie ever, ever, not even for laughs. Take heed of what I say to you.

For the really curious (or masochists alike) though;

If you are going to watch any part of this, watch him beat the bear up. It is seriously the only redeeming part of the movie (forget the chariot scene or the javilin scene or the movie theatre scene or the taxi scene or the dock fight scene (actually....watch this fight too))

If the Greeks only knew that this shit was going to happen.....

Welcome to Death Row (2001)

Forget what you think you know about Death Row Records, Tupac, even N.W.A. This is the definitive documentary (It could be the only one actually) about the notorious West Coast record company, the people that made it what it was, and the people that tore it down.

One thing that I really appreiciate about this documentary is that it is told by those that were actually there, not a bunch of "experts" that spent years looking at pictures and reading documents. This is a documentary about a certain era in music done by the people that created the myths and lived the life; Dr. Dre, Snoop Dog to lesser known figures such as criminal investor David "Harry-O" Higgins and co-owner of the label Jerry Heller amongst many others.

From the rise of Suge Knight from being more than bodyguard for Bobby Brown to having Vanilla Ice peer over the balcony, to where he would be landing if he didn'y pay up ownership and royalties of "Ice Ice Baby" among other songs (actually told by Rip Van Winkle himself), To the dissapation of N.W.A. and the crafting of classics such as The Chronic and Doggystyle (and all the controversy that came with these albums), The East Coast-West Coast fued, and finally the untimely death of one of the most influential people to ever pick up a microphone; Tupac.

The rise of Death Row Records is truly a tragic tale, and it is told by the people that were there and it is all there, there are no bars hold and no pages left unturned.

A must see for any music aficionado or curious fan alike. This is everything that one would need to know about a time in music when the musicians made the rules and enforced them in anyway they wanted.

A "Wild West" tale just a much as it is a documentary, but to be more frank, a true chronicalling of a prosperous, but dark, time in the history of music.

Nuit Et Brouillard (Night and Fog) (1955)

"Anyone interested in civics must see Night and Fog and Salo."

- Jean-Claude Biette

Upon hearing this bold statement made by the French director on a documentary about the making of Salo I decided, without any concern of civics, see what this other movie was all about. The simple fact it was being mentioned with something like Salo had to account for something (we are talking about the most controversial film ever) and this was either a feather in its hat or a nail in its coffin, in my book at least.

Needless to say, I have seen the film, and clocking in at only 31 minutes long, it is both bold and controversial in its own right (Bulldozers plowing piles of bodies into holes in preperation for burial and such atrocities). Having seen many things on the Holocaust, from either side of the equation - the oppressor or the oppressed - this happens to be the only one that blends the two into something that rests on a different kind of pedestal. It does not damn the Nazi party for what they did or even offer an outright reason to feel and sympathy for the victims (although one will already do these things reguardless of any overtly given reason to), what it does is show the impact that such a monsterous thing has left, like an unfading scar on the face of society.

This is what seperates this from most documentaries about the Holocaust, in that it is showing it to you as if you were to go there today and see the fences, walk through the gates, and stand in a place where thousands never returned from. While doing this it does cut to actual footage of the camps in several different occurances, from the loading of the trains and the fear in these peoples eyes as they are unloaded like cattle to their untimely death at the hands of the Nazis (some of which I have never seen before, like the men drinking soup).

None of this is overdone to the point of making the realization of responsiblity for done actions anymore obvious than it already is, as I've said, this is a study of both sides of the spectrum, an overall showing of what happened all those years ago and what it left for all of us that weren't behind the barbed wire.

Truly a masterpiece of a documentary about events that will then, now, and forever be remembered.